英語幽默小笑話大全

對于很多同學來說，英語一直都是很受歡迎，但是當英語遇上幽默，那感覺簡直就是酸爽。下面是小編搜集整理的英語幽默笑話，歡迎大家一下幽默一下，爆笑一天!

1. 問問你自己的吧

Ask Your OwnIt was a cold，raw day at Washington.Champ Clark was discussing the gamins of the cities with an English visitor.The latter expatiated on the wit of the London type of the genius.Clark declared that if the Englishman were to ask any Washington street urchin any question，the urchin would make anaptreply.They sallied forth. “What time is it，Bub?They tell me you can tell time by your nose，”said the visitor to the first newsboy they met. “Ask your own，mister，mine ain't run nin’，”was the reply.

這是華盛頓的一個陰冷天。錢普•克拉克正和一個來訪的英國人討論城市的流浪兒，英國人詳細地敘述著倫敦式天才的機智?？死诵Q，要是對方向華盛頓街上任何一個兒童提任何問題，那孩子都會對答如流。他們便出發(fā)了。 “什么時候了，小兄弟?人們說你能用鼻子報時。” 回答是：“先生，問問你自己的吧，的不在走呢。”

2. A Girl's Name 女孩的名字

When our daughter was born, we named her Myles, after my beloved late(已故的) father, despite family warning that the name was too masculine(男性的) .

Years later, when I felt she was old enough to understand, I explained to Myles, Your name is very special. I named you after my own father because I loved him very much. I know he would be proud of you.

Myles thought carefully about this and then said, I know all that, Mom. But I don't understand why my grandfather had a girl's name.

女兒出生時，我們給她取名叫邁爾斯，和我深愛的業(yè)已過世的父親同一個名字，不過家人提醒這個名字太男性化了。

幾年以后，我覺得邁爾斯已經(jīng)長大，能夠懂事了。我對她解釋說：你的名字很特別。我給你取了一個和我爸爸一樣的名字，因為我非常愛他。我相信他會為你而深感自豪的。

邁爾斯很仔細地想了一下，然后說道：這些我都懂，媽媽。可是我不知道外公為什么會有一個女孩子的名字。

3. A Present 凱特的禮物

Kate: Mom, do you know what I'm going to give you for your birthday?

Mom: No, Honey, what?

Kate: A nice teapot.

Mom: But I've got a nice teapot.

Kate: No, you haven't. I've just dropped it.

凱特：媽媽，你知道我要給你一件什么生日禮物嗎?

媽媽：不知道，寶貝，是什么呀?

凱特：一把漂亮的茶壺。

媽媽：可是我已經(jīng)有一把漂亮的茶壺了呀。

凱特：不，你沒有了。我剛剛把它給摔了。

4. 你爺爺

A well dressed young man demanded as soon as he entered the restaurant:"Serve me, quick! Give me your best. I don't care the price."Not like the way he talked, the waiter said to him: "Hey Buddy, it doesn't matter you have a lot of money. You are still son of somebody, and grandson of somebody else."The young man raged: "Dare you! Tell me, who wants me to be his grandson?"The waiter replied with ease: "Nobody. Just your grandfather."

一位衣冠楚楚的年青人一進飯店就大聲嚷嚷：“喂，有什么好菜盡管端上來，錢多少我不在乎。”服務員聽了很不是滋味：“哥兒們，錢多頂個屁，你不照樣得做別人的兒子，就是有人要你做孫子你也不敢不做!”年青人勃然大怒：“誰敢占老子的便宜?你說，是誰不要命了，膽敢要老子做他的孫子?”服務員慢條斯理地答道：“你爺爺!”

5. Not so fast 別那么急嘛

A pig and a chicken were walking by a church where a gala(歡慶的) charity event was taking place.

Getting caught up in the spirit, the pig suggested to the chicken that they each make a contribution.

"Great idea!" the chicken cried."Let's offer hem1 ham and eggs?"

"Not so fast," said the pig testily2. "For you, that's a contribution. For me, it's a total commitment."

一只豬和一只雞路過一所教堂，那里有一場盛大慈善活動正在進行著。

在精神上收到觸動的豬向小雞提出建議：他們每個人作出點自己的貢獻。

“好主意!”雞尖叫道，“讓我們給腿和雞蛋吧?”

“著什么急”豬不耐煩地說，“對你來說，是一個貢獻，對我來說，這是一個完全的獻身。”

6. 他正在拍照

Two sisters were looking at a book of religious pictures and came across a painting of the Virgin and the baby Jesus.

姐妹倆在看一本宗教畫冊時，剛好看到一幅圣母瑪利亞和圣嬰耶穌的圖畫。

"See there," said the older sister, "that's Jesus, and that's his mother."

姐姐說：“瞧，這是耶穌，這是他的媽媽。”

"Where's his dad?" the younger girl wanted to know.

“他的爸爸在哪里?”妹妹想知道。

Her sister thought for a moment and explained, "Oh, he's taking the picture."

姐姐想了一會兒，解釋道：“噢，他正在拍照。”

7. 我還以為那是我的手

Absent-minded Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Absent-minded Professor: Yes, but I thought it was mine. 教授：天哪!有人偷了我的錢包! 妻子：你難道沒感覺到一只手伸進你的口袋? 教授：感覺到了，可我還以為那是我的手呢?

8. 他死了

If you refuse to marry me, he swore, I shall die. She refused him. Sixty years later, he died. 如果你不答應嫁給我，他發(fā)誓，我就要去死。六十年后，他死了。

9. 幫我爸爸做我的家庭作業(yè)

Jimmy: Hey, Amy, aren't you coming out to play? Amy: No, I have to stay in and help my father with my homework. 基米：嘿，艾米，你不出來玩嗎?艾米：不了，我必須留在家里，幫我爸爸做我的家庭作業(yè)。

10. 我不敢想象

Guest: "Why does your dog sit there and watch me eat?" Hotel Host: "I can't imagine, unless it's because you have the plate he usually eats from." 客人：“為什么你的狗狗坐在那兒老是看著我吃東西呢?”旅館主人：“我不敢想象，除非是因為你拿了它經(jīng)常用來吃東西的盤子了。”

11. 我不能說是哪一年

Palmist: The life line in your hand tells that you will die in a year. Customer: Good gracious! In a year? Palmist: Yes, but I can't say in which.手相大師：你手上的生命線顯示出你還有一年將會死去。顧客：天哪，一年后?手相大師：是的，可是我不能說是哪一年。

12. 給我那個打贏的

Waiter, this lobster has only one claw. -- I'm sorry, sir. It must have been in a fight. -- Well, bring me the winner then.服務員，這個龍蝦只有一只爪。對不起，先生，這只肯定打過架了。哦，那給我那個打贏的吧。

13. 在電話本上

Boy: "I'd like to call you. What's your number?" girl: "It's in the phone book." Boy: "But I don't know your name." girl: "That's in the phone book too." 男：我想給你打電話。你的電話號碼是多少?女：在電話本上呢。男：可是我不知道你的名字呀。女：也在電話本上呢。

14. 粗心的教授

The absent-minded professor shouted: "Kate, come to the blackboard!" Another student says, "Kate is absent, Professor." "Silent! Let Kate speak for herself."粗心的教授大聲地喊道：“凱特，到黑板前面來!”另外一個學生說：“教授，凱特沒來。”“別出聲，讓凱特自己講。”

15. 我可以存多少錢

Husband: Before I married you, I never thought of saving money.Wife: And now?Husband: Now I'm thinking About how much I could have saved if I hadn't married you.丈夫：在娶你進門之前，我從來沒有想過要存錢。妻子:那現(xiàn)在呢?丈夫：現(xiàn)在我在想，要是沒有娶你的話，我可以存多少錢。

16. 你踩到我腳了

Dentist: Please stop howling. I haven't even touched your tooth yet. Patient: I know. But you are standing on my foot! 牙醫(yī)：請不要再叫了，我都還沒有挨著你的牙齒啊! 病人：但是，親，你可知道，你踩到我腳了!!!

17. 慢行

Teacher:Why are you late for school every morning? Tom:Every time I come to the corner,a sign says,"School-Go slow".老師:為什么你每天早晨都遲到? 湯姆:每當我經(jīng)過學校的拐角處,就看見一個牌子上寫著學校----慢行。

18. A maintenance man in a cemetery

He is really somebody My uncle has 1000 men under him. He is really somebody. What does he do? A maintenance man in a cemetery.

他真是一個大人物，我叔叔下面有1000個人。他真是一個大人物。干什么的?墓地守墓人。

19. Five Hundred Times

In the traffic court of a large mid-western city, a young lady was brought before the judge to answer a ticket given her for driving through a red light. She explained to his honor that she was a school teacher and requested an immediate disposal of her case in order that she might hasten on to her classes. A wild gleam came into the judge's eye. "You are a school teacher, eh?" said he. "Madam, I shall realize my lifelong ambition. Sit down at that table and write 'I went through a red light' five hundred times."

在中西部一個大城市的交通法庭里，一位年輕女士被帶到法官面前，她由于開車闖紅燈被開了罰單。女士向法官解釋，她是一名學校老師，請求法官馬上處理她的案子，以便可以趕回去上課。法官眼中閃過一絲狡黠，說道：“你是學校的老師，對嗎?女士，我馬上要實現(xiàn)我畢生的愿望了。在那張桌子旁坐下，寫‘我開車闖了紅燈’500遍。”

20. Who Should be Given the Present

A father of five came home with a toy, summoned his children and asked which one of them should be given the present, “Who is the most obedient, never talks back to mother and does everything he or she is told?” he inquired. There was silence and then a chorus of voices: “You play with it, Daddy!”

一個有五個孩子的父親帶著一件玩具回到家里，把孩子們召集來問這件禮物應該給誰。“誰較聽話，從不和媽媽頂嘴，讓干什么就干什么?”他問道。大家都不吭聲。過了一會兒，孩子們異口同聲地說：“爸爸，您玩兒吧。”